If you subscribe to my combined RSS feed (and even if you don’t), then you may have seen this story in The Guardian about Morrissey being in talks to offer his services for this year’s Eurovision song contest in Finland. "How good would this be?!" I excitedly emailed to my old friend Jammy. The prospect of El Moz taking on (and, naturally, conquering) all comers on a European stage. For too long the UK has repeatedly despatched a succession of no-hopers to represent this fine nation, whilst simultaneously producing some of the best music and musicians anywhere on earth – it just didn’t add up.
So, fast-forward a couple of weeks, and imagine my disappointment at learning of the six shortlisted acts competing for the honour of representing us in Helsinki this May:
- Scooch (self-proclaimed "this generation’s Bucks Fizz")
- Liz McClarnon (ex-Atomic Kitten, and former Celebrity Love Island castaway)
- Hawkins & Brown (ex Darkness lead singer and friend)
- Brian Harvey (ex East 17 singer who managed the astonishing feat of falling under the wheels of a Mercedes which he was driving at the time).
- Cyndi (no idea)
- Big Brovaz (I didn’t even realise they were British!)
Is this really the best that we can do? This nation that gave the world The Beatles, The Delgados, The Libertines, and British Sea Power? My mind, it boggles. I emailed the disappointing news to Jammy (who writes about pop music for money, incidentally). His reply came speeding back over the ether:
"what a bunch of once-former-also-rans!
The talentless, most oikish, one out of East 17, the sub-Steps, the Scooby Doo singers…. gosh, we sure know how to represent ourselves well.
Spect your money’s on Hawkins? The great British public (and I, just for chance to get her back on TV) could favour kitten queen! And just who, who, is Cyndi? There’s only one Cyndi I know spelt that way.
Pshaw is about the only thing I can say on the matter!!"
Pshaw indeed! My money’s on Ireland.